We can’t help who we love…..

Really? I know I’ve said this before to girlfriends feeling caught in an impossible relationship and unable to wrest themselves free. I’ve said it to myself for much the same reason. It’s easy, it absolves us of responsibility. But is it true? Just the other day it was said to me, in the form of an explanation, and it struck me, this is not true.

We CAN help who we love, we have free will, it is our choice. We may choose to love someone who is not treating us as they should, we may choose to forgive the flaws of those we choose to love, but we have choice.

The argument is that if we are madly attracted to, or impossibly connected to someone, we just can’t help ourselves but love them and then allow that which we would not allow. “I’ve loved this person for so long” or “they understand me like no other” or “this person loves me as I am” or “they just get me, I can tell them anything”… so on and so forth. And so thus it must be inescapable. It must be true. And so we overlook, work around and tolerate.

There is nothing wrong with overlooking and tolerating, in and of itself. But there is something dreadfully wrong with feeling we have no choice in the matter. If we choose to do these things and live contentedly with the results, that is one thing. But if we are helpless to our suffering, this is another. Everything always comes down to choice, autonomy.

Why would we choose to love someone who hurts us, again and again. The same hurt each time. Endlessly. Why would we do this? Would we stick our hand in a fire after once being burnt? Of course not, it makes no sense.

 Physically we learn from our mistakes, we have an instinct to survive. Where then is our heart’s instinct?

How can we ‘help’ ourselves choose who we love? Easily described, more challenging to accomplish. We do indeed need to help ourselves. If we create a strong and confident self, identify our worth, then we can trust our heart when it is 'swept away'. If we have love for ourselves, maybe then we won’t be madly attracted to that which will hurt us in the end.

Finding love for ourselves, delight in our strength, acceptance of our weakness, these are the things to focus on. These are the things that will help us help who we love. Love from strength, love without need. Helpful love, not a love of helplessness.